Okay, because sometimes I AM a big, dumb girl, I decided that yesterday wasn’t really a proper free day.  I mean I still managed to come in at my goal for calories even with the Wendys sammich and frosty.  That’s no free day!  So after a morning visit to my folks to balance their checkbooks and pay some bills for them, I decide I want pizza (yes, I’m sure the two things are related).

About 2:30 I order my favorite pizza, and because Dominos has a new dessert I decide to try it as well!  It’s free day after all!  I wolf down the pizza (12″) and have then the dessert.  And almost instantly I feel wolgy¹, and sleepy and I swear I can feel all the crap in that food like sludge in my veins.  I also get the urge to purge – but at least I’m able to resist that!  At about 4pm I drop into a 1.5 hour coma nap.  The doorbell is what wakes me up at 5:30.  I feel less tired, but still like crap.

Was the pizza/dessert worth the way I feel now?  Ummmm….no.  The dessert wasn’t even that good, I was just craving sweets along with the pizza.  And the pizza was meh.  Let’s hope I learned a lesson from this boys and girls – AGAIN.

I guess I should say a word about my parents.  My dad is 82 and my mom is 80.  Dad’s in good health, he’s diabetic, but he does a wonderful job of managing it.  My mom has Alzheimer’s.  So after years of her taking care of all the bill paying/check balancing/etc., she’s no longer able to do it at all.  Dad never learned how to do that stuff, so I drive up to their place and help him out.  He’s got enough to worry about trying to take care of Mom, that he doesn’t need to learn at 82 how to balance a friggin’ checkbook!

I never have had a good relationship with my Mom.  Seems like my whole damn life she was up my ass about my weight and look how well that’s worked out for me.  I feel like I wasn’t the daughter she wanted – especially when compared with my little sister who is a stick who modeled professionally (we are both adopted).  So I feel guilty now that I can’t seem to get past 48 years of shutting myself off from her, and I’m sure that’s what triggered the binge – since it usually happens after I’ve been up to see them.

I hate to say this, and no doubt people are going to think I’m a cruel, heartless bitch, but I think it’s too late to fix my relationship with my mom.  So I need to just find a way to deal with the guilt/anger/etc. that doesn’t involve pizza and sweets.

Now I’m watching “Ruby” – it’s a rerun with her ex-boyfriend on it – what a damn DOUCHEBAG he is!!!!  That fucking little asswipe just pisses me off!  She needs to repeatedly kick him in the nutz with pointy toed shoes!


¹ Dates back to the 80’s and the Cambridge Diet (remember that crappy diet?).  It claimed that after so many days you would feel wonderful and get the “Cambridge Glow.”  Well I was working with a group of women and we ALL decided to try it.  There was no glowing – only what one friend dubbed the “Cambridge Wolg”.

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