I was watching Intervention, and that show always gets me to think about addiction, specifically my addiction to food.

Since I know it is an addiction, does that mean I’m never going to be able to be successful at weight loss unless I really restrict myself to just eating the “good” foods?  No – I know all that will do is cause a binge, and hopefully that binge will not be followed by a purge – I did purge once this weekend :( .  So clearly “good” vs. “bad” food is not a good way for me to go.

Then I think should I be attending OA meetings?  Well, tried that, and frankly it just felt like everyone there seemed to be so hopeless that they could beat their addictions.  And that attitude just makes me think “why bother”?  Now I KNOW that’s not how OA really is, but that’s how it felt to me.  OA is therefore out for me.

So how do I beat this addiction???  I KNOW it can be beat!  I just don’t know anymore HOW to do it…

Part of me wonders if I really DO want to lose the weight…or do I say I do just because that’s what I “should” do…  That’s a puzzler.  I know that I would hurt less and move better if I lost the weight – and that would be nice, really nice.  BUT…  Well, I don’t know what the “but” is but there is always a ‘but” with me…

Maybe I’m just scared.  Scared to lose the weight because I won’t know me if I don’t weigh “ONE METRIC TON.”  Scared because history tells me that even if I do lose it, I’ll just gain it back along with ‘bonus weight.”  Scared because I just don’t know that I can deal with failing AGAIN.

Perhaps I need to define what “sobriety” means to me, and then aim for that.

And the “healthy” treat I tried – Nutella – is apparently just a massive amount of sugar (failed to read that label) and it’s given me some “digestive distress”…  It’s going to be an unpleasant evening for this fat girl…

Okay – enough doom and gloom….

We had the first snow of the season here in Denver this morning!  I this time of the year…  :)

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