Let’s just say that 50,000 units of Vitamin D a day has some unpleasant side effects.  And it’s only been ONE WEEK!  *sigh*

I was chatting with one of the other trainers at the gym and told him about my Vitamin D related “issues” – and he told me about a Chiropractor/Kinesiologist he sees and suggested I try him.  So I’m pondering it.  Not planning on ignoring what my doctor is telling me, I’m thinking of the other doctor being more of an augment to my health plans.

I’m also in the midst of my third day of anxiety attacks about my upcoming unemployment – so there have been A LOT of sweets consumed, which also makes me feel like SHITE.  I’ve got a line on a couple different jobs, but who knows if they will come to anything.

I told the Evil Trainer when I saw him today that if I’m still unemployed at the end of March, I’m going to have to stop seeing him until I get a job.  I’ll talk with HP tomorrow about Pilates – I’m paid up for I think 5-6 more sessions, so if I don’t have a job by the time I have used those up, no more Pilates either.  But I’m hoping it won’t come to that!

Realistically Thursday is my last day working.  I need to talk to the partner at the company I’m subcontracting to about how to handle support after that – but right now she’s dealing with a husband in the hospital because of his Crohns, and a daughter who’s also dealing with serious problems because of Crohns, so I just don’t feel right bringing her MY drama.  Honestly I don’t know how she handles everything life has thrown at her the past 4-5 months.  I’m just thankful I have my health!  You can always find work, but good health is a whole lot harder to regain

Still struggling BIG TIME with getting my eating under control – I just give up most days.  No  – I have not been spending days in the arms of Pizza or Fast Food, but I haven’t been eating healthy in spite of my vow to do so.

I think part of the problem is the clutter in my house – EVERYWHERE!  It currently just feels overwhelming so I just watch TV or knit and try to ignore it – which means I don’t want to cook because then I’d have MORE to clean.  I’m not at risk for being on Hoarders yet – but it’s far worse than I ever let it get.  It helps keep my stress level high…  But it looks like I’ll have some time in March to put things in order – I’ll have to do SOMETHING to pass the days – hopefully something other than sitting on the couch….

Okay – off to soak in the tub and try to relax in the hopes I can sleep tonight…

I need to get it back.  I spent this afternoon in the arms of Pizza Hut – and I don’t even LIKE Pizza Hut, I was just craving it…

I’m sure part of it was due to work stress – the maintenance I had to work on did not go at ALL smoothly partly because I didn’t do enough research on some of the software upgrades.  And I’m VERY hard on myself when I drop the ball on something for work…

I didn’t make it to the gym for my cardio, but I’m going tomorrow morning.

The Evil Trainer did my measurements this morning.  Several were down, a couple were up, and some others didn’t change.  I’ve updated my “weighing in” tab with all the gory details.

I mainly went down in my arms & legs – which is fine especially when you consider I call my calves “cows”…  Now please nobody take offense at the next comment – but the crazies in my head are now saying I’m just going to turn into one of those fat women who carry all the weight between their neck & hips – and have stick skinny arms & legs… I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m just saying that I prefer my fat all over shape.  :)

We didn’t set specific goals for January – but I’m going to try and lose 7 pounds…

I’m also not setting any goals for minutes working out or doing cardio.  I’m just going to make it a goal to not cancel sessions.

And a more important goal f9r me at the moment is to find a new job.  Apparently the place that was all hot and heavy on me Monday has apparently changed their minds.  I haven’t had any call to schedule the in-person interview they were so desparate to do this week.

Oh well, c’est la vie…

I’ve also had 2 run-ins with pizza this week (I KNOW it’s only Wednesday!), and an encounter with Wendys.  And even as I type this, I’m thinking I want pizza again tonight…  So I need to bring back my focus on staying away from that crap.

I’d like to say I got back up on the wagon, but that would be a ginormous LIE.  :)  I don’t even want to discuss the details, but suffice it to say the past few days have NOT been pretty at all.  Although to my credit, there was NO pizza, NO fast food, and NO diet soda… So I got that going for me…

I have been debating all week whether or not to weigh in Friday, and I’ve finally decided it’s better to know how much damage I’ve caused myself…  *sigh*  However, tomorrow isn’t the measurement day with the Evil Trainer – that is actually the FIRST Friday of the month, so mine will be a week from tomorrow…that’s also the day I had the goal of reaching 350…  Wish me luck!

I’m also a bit annoyed, and I’ve decided to get it off my chest rather than stew about it, so here goes.

Someone made some comments about my last posting – you can’t read them because I haven’t approved them.  And I haven’t approved them because they PISS ME OFF!!!

Basically this person lectured me on the choices I made for my party and the subsequent snacking….lectured me like my mother used to.  And OF COURSE this person has the answer for all my dieting woes… Apparently I have to give up all milk, eggs, meat, and replace it all with tofu and roasted veggies…  Frankly I’d rather be fat.  And I’m sorry, but anyone who thinks vegan=thin is delusional – I know fat vegans…

You know I’m sure this person meant well, but I don’t know how ANYONE who has truly battled any kind of weight problem could ever think that that kind of sanctimonious bullshit helps!  IT DOESN’T!  What it does do is piss people off, and if you are an emotional eater (Hi, I’m Pam, I’m an emotional eater) it makes you EAT, or at the very least it makes you want to eat.

Frankly don’t know if I will ever approve this person’s comments… They certainly weren’t helpful to me, and I wouldn’t want to spread that kind of crap to the people who are on the same journey, fighting the same demons…

Sorry this post is so negative…  I’ll be better tomorrow… I see the Evil Trainer for 1.5 hours, so I”ll be too tired to be bitchy  ;)

Worked from home today which means I was around the leftovers from the party which means I’ve been stuffing my face all damn day.  And good lord do I feel bloated and gross from it…

Clearly I can’t have sweets in the house or I’ll spend the day grazing.  I wouldn’t say I binged, but I sure as hell ate more than I needed and all of it was crap.

Never going to make my November 1 goal of 350 like this!  So it stops NOW.  I’m going to throw out the candy and the chips and the cheese.  I can’t have it in the house.

Tomorrow I’ll pack my breakfast and lunch and will just get myself back on track… It’s all I can do – can’t change what I’ve done today….

I see the Evil Trainer tomorrow, and I’ll do 30 minutes of cardio too.  I *should* go to the gym tonight – but I honestly think I’d throw up at this point if I exercise – that’s how full I feel.  Hard to imagine that I used to feel like this ALL THE TIME…

I’m going to add one more goal for this week:

  • No Sweets or Junk Food

Here’s to a successful Tuesday!

Although it wasn’t a horrible week, I’m still VERY glad it’s over because other than Pilates tomorrow morning – I have NO PLANS for the first weekend in I don’t know how damn long!  YAY!

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I had (margarita) lunch on sunday with a friend, and he and I were chatting about work, and I mentioned that I didn’t like what I did anymore, but didn’t know what I would prefer to do.  The dream used to be that I’d own a bakery.  And he made a comment that’s really annoying the CRAP out of me…he said he couldn’t see me doing the work, but that maybe I could just run the place.

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