I need to get it back.  I spent this afternoon in the arms of Pizza Hut – and I don’t even LIKE Pizza Hut, I was just craving it…

I’m sure part of it was due to work stress – the maintenance I had to work on did not go at ALL smoothly partly because I didn’t do enough research on some of the software upgrades.  And I’m VERY hard on myself when I drop the ball on something for work…

I didn’t make it to the gym for my cardio, but I’m going tomorrow morning.

Please get out of my life and STAY out of my life…  Just LEAVE ME ALONE.

I feel horrible because of you, and I couldn’t sleep last night because of you.  You aren’t worth it, and I’m hoping to finally cut you out of my life permanently.  And your nasty cousin fast food too…

I do not want the funk, nor do I gotta have the funk….

But the funk is what I have nonetheless…  *sigh*

There’s the typical “I’m going to die alone and won’t be found for months” thoughts… The low level constant anxiety about nothing I can really put my finger on, but it ties my stomach up in knots anyway.  And of course the urge to binge.  Having a hard time fighting that one, and I came VERY close to giving in yesterday and wallowing around in god knows what food… What food I have eaten yesterday and today has been utter CRAP.

God I hate the holidays….

I know I’ll snap out of it, I always do – it just feels really dark right now…

I’m also tired of thinking about my weight, and losing my weight, and exercise, and “good” food.  It’s so exhausting to always be focused on it, and it doesn’t feel healthy or sane.  I think I need to put my energy and focus on something else.  I don’t intend to abandon the weight-loss journey, but something needs to change… don’t know what though…

A couple days ago during a doom and gloom posting, I was talking about my food addiction, and how I thought I needed to define what sobriety means to me.

Sobriety from the bulimia is easy – no purging=sobreity.  If I don’t binge, I generally don’t purge – it’s been a LOOOOONG time since I purged after a normal meal.

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So not ready to go back to work tomorrow…  :(

Well – I didn’t get all of the things done I wanted to do – BUT I did finally finish painting the wall around the back door.  It’s the only damn wall in the house I need a ladder to do – and of course I need the TALL ladder.  So it took longer than it should have because

  1. I HATE ladders
  2. I REALLY hate being on a tall ladder on a small landing at the top of the stairs

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Well, I flung myself off the wagon Friday, and I just finally have almost pulled myself back on today….  Sunday was definitely the worst of the 3 days, and I had to really fight the urge to purge all that I had eaten – but at least I did win that battle because I did NOT purge…  But I felt so horrible and my stomach was so distended, that I couldn’t even sleep last night.

I did better today.

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Started out crappy with the !$*&#$^*? scale.  Now granted I haven’t been working out like I know I need to, but by god my diet has improve 1000000% and what do I have to show for it???

In 2 damn weeks I only lost .4 pounds….  THAT’S RIGHT!  .4 pounds!  Not even a full 1/2 pound!

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