I want some candy and a diet pop SOOOOO BADLY!  Pop was all I could think about driving to work today – I forgot how hard it is for me to kick the habit!  And I had some spicy chili at lunch – and after spicy food I always want something sweet.  Sadly I don’t have any dried figs left at work, so I have no non-candy options – because if I walk to the cafeteria, then I will end up buying a bag of candy.  Looks like I’m just going to have to white knuckle it until the craving passes.

I saw the Physical Therapist yesterday (thankfully she didn’t weigh me!!), and she’s given me 3 exercises to do, and I am scheduled to see her again on the 29th.  I did like her and she seemed to understand my limitations because of the knees, and although she’s not sure PT will “cure” me, she thinks it can help me get to a better place where I have easier mobility.  I’ve got weak hips (how could something so large be weak???), and not enough flexibility in my ankles – so that’s causing more knee issues.

She wants me to do the water walking at least once a week – but 2 or 3 times would be better.  And I’m not allowed to do any jumping in the water aerobics class.   So we will see how that works at class tomorrow night.  She also wants me to see an Orthopedic Surgeon, and she did give me the name of one, but he doesn’t take my shitty insurance (Kaiser), so I did some hunting and found one that I think I will try out.

So my plan is to do water aerobics tomorrow night, and water walking Thursday night and I’m also going to aim for a Saturday morning water walking session.  For now I’ll do 30-minutes, I can gradually work up to more time as the knee feels better.  I did ask her if swimming would be okay – but for now, it’s out…  Of course as soon as I hear that I shouldn’t do it, it’s all I want to do.  :D

No diet soda, but I did have a four pieces of candy when I was at the salon getting my hair colored & cut yesterday.  So I re-started my 30-day clock – now it runs May 11 – June 11.  Not beating myself up over it, it is what it is, and I am just going to keep moving forward.

I’ve also been thinking about stepping on the scale – although I’m pretty sure I know about what I weigh, and I don’t know why the actual number matters.  I suspect however that the physical therapist is going to put me on a scale tomorrow when I see her.  I just wish the damn number didn’t always seem so important!

Winter made what I hope is it’s last showing here today, it’s been snowy and cold all day – so I spent the day just relaxing and binge watching Law & Order SVU, and made a pot of chili.  Other than that, I did NOTHING!  Didn’t even get out of my jammies.  It’s been GLORIOUS.   Too bad I have to go to work tomorrow.  :(

Made zero progress on the unfucking this weekend – just didn’t feel up to it.  The plan is to clean off the dining room table and take some trash out tomorrow when I get home from work, OH and to do the dishes in the sink tonight.

So that’s me today.

I need to get it back.  I spent this afternoon in the arms of Pizza Hut – and I don’t even LIKE Pizza Hut, I was just craving it…

I’m sure part of it was due to work stress – the maintenance I had to work on did not go at ALL smoothly partly because I didn’t do enough research on some of the software upgrades.  And I’m VERY hard on myself when I drop the ball on something for work…

I didn’t make it to the gym for my cardio, but I’m going tomorrow morning.

It’s Monday and the wind won’t stop blowing here (and it’s a damn cold wind too!) and all I want is to eat sweets…  Seriously!  To the point of pondering mixing up some powdered sugar glaze and eating it with a spoon…  That’s just not right… And fruit is not helping as a substitute for something sweet and sugary… And because I don’t keep sweets in the house, I have nothing to satisfy the cravings… Other than homemade glaze  ;)

I had a wonderful dinner (Thai Coconut Curry with Pork from The Organic Dish) – but now I want something sweet…  Sorry to obsess…

Still looking for a job – I’ve applied for quite a few and I may have a possible good lead, but we will see how that pans out.  I’m stressed still, but trying to relax about it.  Being all wound up in knots won’t help me find a job faster, and I’ve got some savings…  So I’ll just keep looking.

I’m feeling a little less dark mentally – perhaps the funk is passing, tho it’s sure to make a comeback for VD.

On the plus side, plans for being made for the annual birthday debauchery!  Drag Queen Bingo has become the tradition for my birthday.  There’s Drag Queens, Drinking, Bingo, Bar Food, Door Prizes, AND the Bingo Wig of Shame – how can you go wrong??  :D   This year the festivities will be on Friday, Mar 12.  And as you can tell I’m already looking forward to it!  Last year I think we may have been a bigger show than the Drag Queens who were calling Bingo.

And the BGBF and I discussed plans for what I will only refer to know as my 2011 birthday (I prefer NOT to think of the age I’ll be turning!) – and the plans involve a PARTY BUS!!!!

You may be thinking I’ve given up on the weight loss – I haven’t at all.  I’m just trying to not make it the entire focus of my life – makes me too crazy.

Okay – I need to go find something to distract me from the sugar cravings….

Have passed, and I didn’t give in…  Tho last night was miserable.  But today all is well.

Although, I was really annoyed this morning with the chatty guy at work who would NOT shut up…  Thought I was going to have to punch him in the throat…  but after a a fun lunch with a friend, I felt much better – even without having booze involved!  ;)  So annoying guy gets to talk another day…

Weigh-in day is tomorrow, and although I didn’t make my cardio/swim goals (I know, shocking!), I actually UNDER-ate most days and I’m hoping that will be reflected in the scale.

Now I didn’t under-eat to make my weight goal for the week… But between the knee pain keeping me on the couch, and then fighting the cravings, I just didn’t eat enough.  Probably part of the reason I was sooo crabby this morning…

I’m hungry now too – but I’m more tired than hungry, so I think it’s time for a hot bath, then off to bed.  Got to be at the gym by 8:30 for my cardio before the Evil Trainer starts tormenting me.  I’m going to give the Elliptical (yes, the shitty one they have that I HATE) another try and see how my knee feels.  If’ I can’t deal with it, there’s always the hand bike.  :)

The cravings are REALLY BAD today.  I’ve been fighting the urge to order pizza for about the last THREE HOURS.   So far I’m winning…

I’m sure the cravings are because I’ve been trying to fix system problems at work…for three days now.  It’s like friggin’ whack-a-mole – every time I get one part of the issue resolved, another part raises it’s head.  Somedays I really wish I never started down the sysadmin road 15 1/2 years ago…  Don’t know what I’d be doing, but I’ll bet it would involve more sleep and less annoyance.

Since I’m still working on the problem and I HAVE to get it fixed tonight to keep a project on schedule, I had to cancel Pilates… Not happy about that.  Not that my knee is feeling all that hot, but I think Pilates would have helped it.  On the plus side at least I can bend it today.

OMFG I want pizza soooo BAD!!!!!!  Nothing I’m trying is distracting me from that craving…  I just want to eat it until I feel sick…

yummy, yummy pizza...

yummy, yummy pizza...

I’d run to the store to get something to help fight it, but I’m pretty sure I’d end up coming home with nothing but junk food, so I’d stuff my face with junk food and STILL would want to order pizza…

I hate having to white-knuckle my way through these cravings…

But I really want to see a loss when I weigh in on Friday…and I really like that I’ve gone 25 days without pizza…

But I really want pizza…

*sigh*

That’s how many days I have to reach my goal of 299…152 days to my 49th birthday…152 days to lose ~58 pounds… Seems like too much weight, too little time… I am resisting the urge to start weighing myself daily – I know it’ll just make me crazy if I do start that again, and I promised the Evil Trainer I’d stick with once a week weigh-ins…

Today I’m also having to REALLY resist the siren song of fast food AND pizza – not sure why the cravings are so bad, I was sooo close to stopping at McD’s for breakfast – but I resisted!  19 days since my last fast food, and 24 days since my last pizza (and coincidentally my last purge as well) – don’t want to break the roll I’m on.

Also took care of some of my 101 in 1001 items…  Well I scheduled an electrician and a heating company to take care of them.  Thermostat is being replaced and the furnace cleaned this friday, and the Electrician will be here on 10/30 to take care of the replacing lights and smoke detectors.  It’ll be nice to check all that off my list of stuff to do.  :)

I know I’ve said it the past two weeks, but THIS week will be the week I take the stuff to Goodwill!  Pinky swear!  AND I’ve sold the hated MagneTrainer!  Guy is picking it up Friday.  Gotta love Craigslist!

Don’t know if I’m going to be able to do cardio tonight – I was walking around getting ready this morning and suddenly my knee felt like someone jammed a knife in it.  Still hurts like hell and doesn’t want to bend – I’m trying to gently get it moving, but I’m going to play the cardio by ear.  I have Pilates tomorrow and I was planning on 20 min of treadmill afterwards, so if I do that and some cardio on Thursday, I’ll still manage to make my goal for the week.