“Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorist, a lunatic…The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being.”

– Geneen Roth, When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy

The Endo did an A1C test on me last week because my Blood Glucose was a little high on my previous blood work (101)…  and as I feared, the news was not good.  I expected that I’d be “slightly” pre-diabetic, but with an A1C of 6.2 I’m at the high end and too damn close to diabetic.  So it’s REALLY time to make the changes I keep yammering about.

I have my yearly physical with my PCP tomorrow, so I expect the main topic of discussion to be how to stop me from developing diabetes…

blarg

But at least I know, and I can do something about it before it gets worse.

The Endo says that “weight loss through improved diet and exercise is critical to prevent the development of diabetes”…  And he has promised to nag me about it too (I told him that was fair).   I’m just still in freaked out mode – I keep thinking of my Dad’s cousin who on one of her feet lost all of her toes and part of her foot because of her diabetes (not to mention the insulin injections).  That is NOT a road I want to be anywhere NEAR!

I’m thinking it’s the combination of the non-generic Thyroid Meds and working out.  Because I’m feeling closer to normal than I have in years!  And that makes me very very happy.

It also makes me very very happy that I have the next two days off!!!  Today I had a lovely pre-birthday day with my BGBF – we had a nice meal out and yakked and knitted.  Nice and relaxing.  And apparently exhausting for my boy Angus – he’s dead asleep and snoring up a storm!  I am dreading having to be at water aerobics at 6am with the hated spring time change…  I woke up this morning at what I thought was 9 or maybe 10am, but lo and behold – it was 11!  I already want my hour back…  *grumble*

Tomorrow for my birthday I get to have lunch with a good friend, and then I go see my mom for a bit, and then I get to relax.  And Tuesday the only plans I have are to see the Evil Trainer.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on my age, but honest to God, 50 is really freaking me out!  It’s not like I look (or act) my age, I just can’t believe how fast 50 snuck up on me.  So I need to keep myself busy so I don’t fall into my habit of eating when I’m bothered about stuff.  Oh and I am also going to call the therapist I’ve been playing phone tag with to see if I can get an appointment scheduled.

It’s been a long friggin’ week at work, and I’m REALLY looking forward to having the next four days off…

I’ve already fallen off the Lent wagon – mainly because I forgot that I was not going to eat meat on Fridays, and I had roast beef today.   BUT I am sticking to my vow of no pop/vending machine snacks, so I got that going for me  ;)

I’ve got Pilates tomorrow morning, and then perhaps if I’m in the mood, I may go to the pool for some water walking.  If it’s nice outside, I’m thinking the pool will be pretty empty.  AND I have to get my butt to 24-hour Fitness to cancel my membership – I keep forgetting to do that…  I’m also retaining water like the friggin’ Hoover Dam!  My weight has gone up almost 4 pounds in the last 2 days, and my ankles are just finally starting to feel normal.  Just goes to show me the amount of salt in frozen dinners is hell on my system – no matter how much water I drink.

I also discovered today that Kashi granola bars are dangerous for me to have around – they are sooo good that I just stuff my face with them, so they are now banned from my house!  On the plus side, I believe I hit my daily requirement of fiber for today.  Actually according to my Diet Power software, I ate 192% of my daily recommended fiber.

And this may sound crazy, but I think that after just a couple days on the non-Generic Thyroid meds that I can feel the difference.  I’m sure I’m imagining it – or just really wanting it to be true.

But better late than never:

So far it’s been good to me….relaxing day yesterday, Pilates this morning (shoulders still hurt), and spent tonight crying watching the Dr. Who finale (yes, I AM lame).

I’m going to miss the 3-day work weeks, it’s going to be hard to go back to having to work 5 days a week. ;)

And I must thank you folks again for the kind words on my last post. The constant barrage of diet & weight loss commercials had gotten to me – I’m feeling slightly better now.

SPINNING!

The class was fun, and I’m totally hooked now!  I’ve got about 5 oz of handspun yarn drying in the bathroom, and I’ve just spinning 3 oz more, and I have another 3 oz left to spin and finish.

It’s so totally relaxing to do. I spin and I don’t think about my funk or the holidays or anything – I just spin, and relax.

My First Handspun

I haven’t fallen off the wagon – okay, maybe once or twice I was being drug just a bit, but I’m still trying to work on my eating habits, and working out.  The Evil Trainer kicked my ass hard tuesday, and I see him again tomorrow morning, and then Pilates Saturday morning.  Pilates is going to be tough because I have a dinner party for a friend’s birthday to attend Friday evening, so I’ll have to not imbibe much or stay out godawful late.  I knitted him a scarf for his present – it’s very nice if I do say so myself:

Scarf for Steve

I’m just going to hold on for the next couple weeks through the holiddays, and (hopefully) get my weightloss groove back after the first of the year.  ET didn’t do December measurements, so we are going to do them first session in January.  I also have not been weighing myself – but I suspect I’m still hovering at around 355 based on the way my pants are fitting.  Haven’t been tracking my food either – well, other than a couple run-ins with fast food, and a binge.  But really, I’m doing well compared to how I usually am during the holidays, so I’m just going to focus on the positive!

No, not “that” groove…  My weight loss groove.

I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself because I’m not losing the weight.  I’m tired of the excuses, and feeling like a failure.  So enough bitching and moaning.  Time to focus on being positive and on making good changes in my life – Holidays or not, Funk or not.

So the $64,000.00 (or should that be the 140lb) question is – HOW?

hmmmm… wellll… ummmm…

Well, part of the problem is my complete lack of desire to get off the couch, let alone leave the house and hit the gym (sadly I’ve worked from home for the past 3 weeks because of this).

I know this “funk” sounds more like depression, and although I’m sure it is depression, I’m going to continue calling it the funk, and try to work through it without meds.

So the first order of business is to get my ass off the couch and away from the TV AND the Internet.  That means going into the office instead of working at home, and it means NO MORE cancelling sessions with the Evil Trainer!

For the rest of December, those are my only goals –

  • Go into the office
  • Don’t cancel sessions with the Evil Trainer
  • Do 20 minutes of cardio before each session with ET

I can safely say there is not a chance in hell that I will reach my original goal of 299 by my birthday in March, so I’m letting that now very unrealistic goal go.  I will now be happy if I weigh in the 320’s on my birthday.  I’ll worry about the rest of the weight after that.  I’m guessing I’m still at about 355 now – I’ll weigh in Friday and get my measurements done as well.

And now for my current “issue” – please read this and join me in vowing to boycott the purchase of Ralph Lauren products.

HuffPo article on the issue:  Ralph Lauren Boycott:  Retaking Beauty

Facebook Page for boycott:  ATB Action Network Boycott of Ralph Lauren