It’s been a pretty crappy year since I last blogged…  My Dad died suddenly last April, my Mom has Alzheimers, work has been hell (tho, thankfully I have been working – no unemployment at all), I still feel like ass, and yeah, that pretty much sums things up.

I don’t know where I was at weight-wise this time last year, but I think I’m pretty much at the same place – haven’t had to buy any bigger clothes at least.  I’m trying to get back on track with the Evil Trainer, and Pilates, and Cardio – if for no other reason than the hope it will help me feel better.  Next Monday I start doing water workouts from 6-7am twice a week for 3 months at the Rec Center – the hours suck, but what are you gonna do.  I’m shooting for seeing the Evil Trainer on Tues & Thurs, and then Pilates on Saturday.  Friday & Sunday I get to rest.

Oh yeah, and I turn 50 in 10 days, and I just got my first membership offer from AARP in the mail yesterday.  BLARGH!!!!

Well aren’t I just a little ray of sunshine?  :)

For the next 2 months, my goals with the Trainer are modest – and they mostly involve me just moving more, and staying away from the pizza binges & junk food.  No weight loss goals at all.  We are easing me back into things.  Starting completely over – rather than dwelling on the past.  And I think that is a very good way to get me going again.  I guess he does sometimes know what he’s talking about…  Though I can never admit that to him  ;)

I’m also looking into therapy – seriously.  I thought I had found a place, but they only do Intensive Outpatient Therapy – and that translates to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week.  But they had a recommendation for another place, and that as it turns out is right across the street from where I work (well, until my office moves in 2 weeks – but it will still be close enough for a lunch session if needed).

I have some travel plans in the Spring, and I’m pondering a week at Lake Austin Resort & Spa in the Fall – a little health & relaxation trip just for me.  It’s kind of pricey, but I’m thinking it will be my 50th birthday present to myself.  I saw it on the first 5 episodes of Heavy on A&E and it just looks LOVELY!

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Let’s just say that 50,000 units of Vitamin D a day has some unpleasant side effects.  And it’s only been ONE WEEK!  *sigh*

I was chatting with one of the other trainers at the gym and told him about my Vitamin D related “issues” – and he told me about a Chiropractor/Kinesiologist he sees and suggested I try him.  So I’m pondering it.  Not planning on ignoring what my doctor is telling me, I’m thinking of the other doctor being more of an augment to my health plans.

I’m also in the midst of my third day of anxiety attacks about my upcoming unemployment – so there have been A LOT of sweets consumed, which also makes me feel like SHITE.  I’ve got a line on a couple different jobs, but who knows if they will come to anything.

I told the Evil Trainer when I saw him today that if I’m still unemployed at the end of March, I’m going to have to stop seeing him until I get a job.  I’ll talk with HP tomorrow about Pilates – I’m paid up for I think 5-6 more sessions, so if I don’t have a job by the time I have used those up, no more Pilates either.  But I’m hoping it won’t come to that!

Realistically Thursday is my last day working.  I need to talk to the partner at the company I’m subcontracting to about how to handle support after that – but right now she’s dealing with a husband in the hospital because of his Crohns, and a daughter who’s also dealing with serious problems because of Crohns, so I just don’t feel right bringing her MY drama.  Honestly I don’t know how she handles everything life has thrown at her the past 4-5 months.  I’m just thankful I have my health!  You can always find work, but good health is a whole lot harder to regain

Still struggling BIG TIME with getting my eating under control – I just give up most days.  No  – I have not been spending days in the arms of Pizza or Fast Food, but I haven’t been eating healthy in spite of my vow to do so.

I think part of the problem is the clutter in my house – EVERYWHERE!  It currently just feels overwhelming so I just watch TV or knit and try to ignore it – which means I don’t want to cook because then I’d have MORE to clean.  I’m not at risk for being on Hoarders yet – but it’s far worse than I ever let it get.  It helps keep my stress level high…  But it looks like I’ll have some time in March to put things in order – I’ll have to do SOMETHING to pass the days – hopefully something other than sitting on the couch….

Okay – off to soak in the tub and try to relax in the hopes I can sleep tonight…

Feeling only slightly less “dark” than yesterday, and I almost broke into tears when I was working with the Evil Trainer today (for NO reason), and I purged last night (dammit!)…

BUT I’ve made an appointment with a doctor.  Haven’t been happy with my old doctor so I picked a new one which a friend recommended – and it turns out she’s been one of the top rated Denver docs… So maybe she will actually do more than just tell me that losing weight will fix everything.

I also made an appointment for a mammogram, and a dental appointment as well.  And if I can figure out if my insurance will pay for a dermatologist visit for a mole check, I’ll be making that appointment as well.  I’m paying what seems like an obscene amount for insurance, so I’m going to use every single benefit I can!

The Evil Trainer is worried about me – he hugged me when we were done today – and hugging is something he and I don’t do.  We cuss each other, call each other names, flip the bird, etc, but never hug…so I almost cried from that….damn him…

I have Pilates tomorrow morning and again on Saturday morning, and i’ve seen the Evil Trainer twice this week already (he’s going hunting AGAIN).  So I’m trying to force myself to keep these appointments rather than just sit home alone watching TV.

I applied for yet another job today – and I’ve got a call to return tomorrow from a recruiter.  Butbased on past experiences with these kinds of calls, I’m not putting any hope into it.  It seems they usually are just collecting names & resumes.

I also am trying to think ‘out of the box’ with a job – I explored the openings at the hospitals in my area (I live in a hospital-rich area) – but although I did find a couple tech jobs I could do, they aren’t jobs I’d want to do… So I’ll just keep looking and trying to identify companies I’d like to work for… Nothing much more I can do other than keep trying…

I guess that’s enough mindless rambling….

Things just are not right with me lately.  It’s not a weight thing, it’s something else, something more.  And as much as I HATE it, I think it’s time for a trip to the doctor.

I just feel like crap all the time – no matter how well or poorly I eat, and I’m tired all the time.  It just kind of feels like I’m sleepwalking through my life right now.  I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, but I do force myself to.  But even when it seems like I’m enjoying myself, it just feels so fake and forced, and all I want to do is go home and be alone.

I know I’m horribly stressed over not having a job lined up when the current contracting gig ends.  Throw in a little perimenopause, and voila!  You have a complete basket case named Moi…

*sigh*

Sorry to be such a downer, but I don’t have any sunshine and happiness to dish up.

I’ll call the doctor tomorrow…

In addition to my annual Holiday funk, I’m also stressed because the contract I’m working on is winding up, and I don’t have another job lined up.  I’m looking, and I’ve applied for some things, but still the stress…  It doesn’t help that I’m not terribly busy on the contract I’m working on now – I’m bored and boredom is not pretty on me.  It usually means spending WAY too much money.  Thankfully I’ve resisted that urge for the most part (Okay, there was an “incident” Saturday at a Yarn shop – but the bag was 25% off! ;)

Merry Christmas to me!!

I’m also glad I didn’t order the furniture I had planned on ordering – so I can squirrel away some money to keep me going until march or so if need be.  And Praise Jebus I have ZERO credit card debt!!  Just mortgage & car payment (and the monthly bills that go with living).  So I guess I could be in way worse shape.

Haven’t done well on the eating AT ALL the past week or so – there were 2 binges (thankfully no purges), but today was a better day.  Haven’t worked out at all for over a week, haven’t done much of anything at all.  Of course it’s been bitterly cold here for the past 4 or 5 days so that just makes me want to curl up under a blanket and watch movies.

And at this time of the year the movies are all the happily-ever-after movies (okay, I admit I do watch the stupid damn Lifetime movies), which adds to the holiday funk.  But they are like crack to me – no matter how shitty they are, and they are almost always shitty.

So I’m just going to hang in there and try to do better or at the very least, try not to do worse.  And thanks all for the lovely encouraging comments – they are much appreciated!

I do so love the first snow of the season.. Yep, here in Denver, we get snow starting in October – I grew up here and most every halloween costume I had as a little girl wound up being covered up by my winter coat  :)

Once the weather turns cooler, I actually have more energy and interest in doing things, so I’m looking forward to that as a way to help me motivate my butt to the gym.

Since the Evil Trainer has gone hunting for a week, I plan to hit the elliptical and swim tomorrow morning in place of having him torment me.  I won’t have made my Cardio/Swim goals for week 2 of the Biggest Loser Challenge, but I’m hoping to see a 2 lb. weight loss when I step on the scale tomorrow morning.

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Today it’s not about the weight loss, or my eating.  And I saw the Evil Trainer – he kicked my ass hard (but it felt good – I’m definitely getting stronger!).

No – the wallowing I’m currently indulging in is because I’m watching “Say Yes To The Dress” on TLC and I’m realizing chances are I will never find my someone and walk down the aisle in a gorgeous white dress.  *sigh*  :(

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