trying to get my groove back…

No, not “that” groove…  My weight loss groove.

I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself because I’m not losing the weight.  I’m tired of the excuses, and feeling like a failure.  So enough bitching and moaning.  Time to focus on being positive and on making good changes in my life – Holidays or not, Funk or not.

So the $64,000.00 (or should that be the 140lb) question is – HOW?

hmmmm… wellll… ummmm…

Well, part of the problem is my complete lack of desire to get off the couch, let alone leave the house and hit the gym (sadly I’ve worked from home for the past 3 weeks because of this).

I know this “funk” sounds more like depression, and although I’m sure it is depression, I’m going to continue calling it the funk, and try to work through it without meds.

So the first order of business is to get my ass off the couch and away from the TV AND the Internet.  That means going into the office instead of working at home, and it means NO MORE cancelling sessions with the Evil Trainer!

For the rest of December, those are my only goals -

• Go into the office
• Don’t cancel sessions with the Evil Trainer
• Do 20 minutes of cardio before each session with ET

I can safely say there is not a chance in hell that I will reach my original goal of 299 by my birthday in March, so I’m letting that now very unrealistic goal go.  I will now be happy if I weigh in the 320’s on my birthday.  I’ll worry about the rest of the weight after that.  I’m guessing I’m still at about 355 now – I’ll weigh in Friday and get my measurements done as well.

And now for my current “issue” – please read this and join me in vowing to boycott the purchase of Ralph Lauren products.

HuffPo article on the issue:  Ralph Lauren Boycott:  Retaking Beauty

Facebook Page for boycott:  ATB Action Network Boycott of Ralph Lauren

 

the funk continues…

In addition to my annual Holiday funk, I’m also stressed because the contract I’m working on is winding up, and I don’t have another job lined up.  I’m looking, and I’ve applied for some things, but still the stress…  It doesn’t help that I’m not terribly busy on the contract I’m working on now – I’m bored and boredom is not pretty on me.  It usually means spending WAY too much money.  Thankfully I’ve resisted that urge for the most part (Okay, there was an “incident” Saturday at a Yarn shop – but the bag was 25% off! ;)

Merry Christmas to me!!

I’m also glad I didn’t order the furniture I had planned on ordering – so I can squirrel away some money to keep me going until march or so if need be.  And Praise Jebus I have ZERO credit card debt!!  Just mortgage & car payment (and the monthly bills that go with living).  So I guess I could be in way worse shape.

Haven’t done well on the eating AT ALL the past week or so – there were 2 binges (thankfully no purges), but today was a better day.  Haven’t worked out at all for over a week, haven’t done much of anything at all.  Of course it’s been bitterly cold here for the past 4 or 5 days so that just makes me want to curl up under a blanket and watch movies.

And at this time of the year the movies are all the happily-ever-after movies (okay, I admit I do watch the stupid damn Lifetime movies), which adds to the holiday funk.  But they are like crack to me – no matter how shitty they are, and they are almost always shitty.

So I’m just going to hang in there and try to do better or at the very least, try not to do worse.  And thanks all for the lovely encouraging comments – they are much appreciated!

♥

 

the funk….

I do not want the funk, nor do I gotta have the funk….

But the funk is what I have nonetheless…  *sigh*

There’s the typical “I’m going to die alone and won’t be found for months” thoughts… The low level constant anxiety about nothing I can really put my finger on, but it ties my stomach up in knots anyway.  And of course the urge to binge.  Having a hard time fighting that one, and I came VERY close to giving in yesterday and wallowing around in god knows what food… What food I have eaten yesterday and today has been utter CRAP.

God I hate the holidays….

I know I’ll snap out of it, I always do – it just feels really dark right now…

I’m also tired of thinking about my weight, and losing my weight, and exercise, and “good” food.  It’s so exhausting to always be focused on it, and it doesn’t feel healthy or sane.  I think I need to put my energy and focus on something else.  I don’t intend to abandon the weight-loss journey, but something needs to change… don’t know what though…

 

sore and tired…

Stuck with my plan of spending this weekend painting – and I’m tired and sore from it.  BUT the colors look fabulous so it’s all worth it.

I also managed to injure myself in a completely unexpected manner – I reached into my freezer to unjam some ice built up at the back of the ice maker – and found that there was a piece of SEARING HOT METAL that has blistered the crap out of two fingers.  GODDAMN IT HURTS!  So now I’m thinking that fridge is going to get replaced sooner than planned…stupid damn thing…

I survived the long weekend so far VERY well.  Had a bit too much pumpkin pie on Thursday, but still managed to keep it in my calorie range – YAY!  And I did well yesterday and today because I was busy painting and not just sitting around snacking.

Since the Evil Trainer is out of town this coming Friday, we are moving my weigh/measure day to Tuesday.  I didn’t weigh myself Friday, so I’m not sure where I’m at goal-wise, but I guess I find out soon enough!

Also had a successful Buy Nothing Day on Friday – well, almost successful…  I did watch TV (Fox Movie Channel), but other than that, there was no shopping, no internet, no phone use, no use of my car from dawn till dusk.  I didn’t watch much TV, it was on for my “noise” and I watched bits of movies while I was on paint breaks.  So I’m calling it successful  :P

 

on a mission…

I’ve decided to make my first ever buttermilk biscuits for Turkey Day dinner, so I’m on the hunt for a recipe. Lots of them seem to involve self-rising flour – and I’ve found self-rising flour doesn’t work right when you are baking a mile above sea-level…

I’m making the dinner (as usual) for myself and my parents.  Since their kitchen SUCKS to cook in, I’m thankful I don’t have to figure out how to cook for a crowd in it…

The menu:

• Herb Roasted Turkey Breast (yeah, just the breast)
• Dressing with Fennel, Pine Nuts, & Italian Sausage
• Mashed Potatoes and Gravy
• Green Beans with Hazelnuts
• Buttermilk Biscuits
• Store bought Pumpkin Pie

I usually make a homemade pumpkin pie, but I haven’t cooked and canned my two pie pumpkins yet and I refuse to use the store bought crap canned pumpkin.  Yeah, I know, I’ll buy a crap store-bought pie but not the crap canned pumpkin…. It’s just how my crazy rolls…

I’ve got everything I need except for the buttermilk… So I should just need to make a quick trip to the store Wednesday morning.

What I’m REALLY looking forward to is Friday/Saturday/Sunday…  I get to paint my Living/Dining room and put up my beautiful new wall sconces… It’s not the actual painting that I’m looking forward to – it’s the fact that that will get rid of a BIG chunk of the dingey yellow that I hate…and the ugly ass wall sconces as well…  I only hope the walls look as good in the new colors as I’m hoping they will – I’m still loving the samples I have painted, so that’s a good sign.

All in all, this holiday weekend is going to be all about banging out some items from my 101 in 1001 list… Oh, and I’ll try and work in some walks or cardio too I guess… And I suppose I’ll also try to not gorge myself on food… After all, my weekly weigh-in is Friday morning…  ;)

In case I don’t blog again before the holiday – Happy Turkey Day all!

 

just checking in…

I’ve been AWOL again I know.  Thankfully this time though it’s not because I’ve fallen off the wagon and am laying in a ditch with candy  ;)  I’ve been staying on track – and at Friday’s weigh-in I was down another 1.6 pounds (350.6)!  YAY!

Both the Evil Trainer and the Pilates instructor (ET & HP) say they are definitely seeing improvement in my strength and ease of movement – and more importantly I’M noticing that I feel stronger and moving about is getting easier and less painful for my knee.  :)  And I’m starting to feel more energized than drained by the workouts.

I haven’t been writing for a couple reasons.

1. Didn’t really have anything even remotely interesting to say
2. I’ve started slipping into my annual “I hate the Holidays” funk
3. I’ve been thinking about WHY I want to lose the weight

Perhaps you’d think that #3 would negate #1 – surely I had to have come up with something interesting about the reasons WHY I want to lose the weight…  But no.  Thankfully the thoughts didn’t turn into the usual “I’m never going to be a gorgeous thin young thing so why bother.”

I want to lose it for what I’m hoping are the right reasons – I simply want to FEEL better.  I don’t think it’s the magic pill that’s going to fix everything in my life.  It’s not going to be the reason I suddenly find Mr Right.  Hell, I’m sure once I reach MY goal weight, the world will still judge me as FAT.  Fuck ‘em.  I don’t care.  I just want to feel lighter, move easier, and be stronger (strong feel AWESOME!).

How about you?  Why do you want to lose the weight?

And yes, I DO hate the Holidays.  I will remain in said holiday-hating funk until just after Valentines Day (the most horrid holiday of them all!).  Thankfully I do snap out of the funk in time for my annual 29th birthday drunken bash.  ;)

At any rate, I’m just going to continue to slog on and get through the next few months unscathed and hopefully many pounds lighter.

 

 

 

 

 

hoping for another good week…

It was a good weekend – even with the foot of snow I had to shovel today  :)  The snow kept me from having to drive into the office to do some systems work I had scheduled, and I was able to do it all from home in my robe – which is ALWAYS a good thing!

Did pretty good on the food this weekend – although I did wait WAY too long to eat yesterday, and then overate when I did eat.  Came out okay on calories, but I was really uncomfortably full for several hours – a feeling I did not enjoy.  Today I’ve done much better I’m pleased to report.  And I have to say that being “just full” feels a billion times better than feeling like I’ve been stuffed to the gills.  Not a fan of feeling hungry, but “just full” is nice.

Something odd to report as well – had the TV on (as always – it’s my noise in the house) and a Pizza commercial came on – and it didn’t even look good to me!  Didn’t make me want pizza at all.  It was an odd thing to realize – because seeing some sort of food is generally a guarantee that I will then crave that food.

All in all it was an amazingly good week for me!  And I’m hoping the upcoming week is just as good!  Have to take the good weeks and make the most of them while they last…

Next weekend I have to pick up the paint and supplies to need to get the living/dining room painted over the long Turkey Day weekend.  As part of Adbusters Buy Nothing Day on 11/27, I’m vowing from dusk till dawn no shopping, no TV, no radio, no use of my car, and no computer use – no TV is going to be a killer for me.  BUT I’ll be spending the daylight hours painting upstairs where there is no TV – as long as I stay away from the TV downstairs I’ll be fine.  And no FB for a day is nothing but good.

So my plan for this week is:

1. Evil Trainer 2x
2. Pilates 1x
3. Continue to kick ass

♥

 

good week…

I saw the Evil Trainer twice, I was REALLY good on my eating, I actually managed to stop eating when I full, and NOT eat when I wasn’t hungry, my knee felt good pretty much all week, AND I lost 2.6 pounds!

And I managed to do all this while dealing with parental-induced stress (which I didn’t eat to deal with).

WOO-HOO!

Here’s hoping I can keep the momentum going.  :)

No Pilates for me tomorrow – got some car stuff to take car of.  So I’m planning on trying to get in a walk – providing we aren’t getting dumped on with the snowstorm.  Also have MORE stuff to take to Goodwill – it never seems to end!

Sunday I have to actually go IN to the office to work – blech.  Unfortunately for me it’s work I can’t really do remotely.  But hopefully it will go smooth and I’ll be done in 3-4 hours.  Then once I’m done and home, I’ll be doing the blizzard dance (no, one isn’t forecast, but Denver weather forecasters can’t predict dark at night).

 

recently noticed…

Something rather odd for me…  I’ve noticed that in the past week I’ve been able to STOP eating when I’m full…

Not perhaps a major thing for most people, but quite a big thing for me!  A GOOD big thing.  :D

Tonight for instance, I ordered Chinese – yeah, I know not a good choice, but I was craving mu shu chicken – I ordered steamed dumplings & crab/cheese wonton as well and ate those first and then I was full.  AND I stopped eating!  I’ll have mu shu tomorrow I guess  ;)

 

november 2009 weigh-in…

Well had my “First Friday” weigh & measure today.  Good news and bad news…

The bad news – I missed my goal of 350 – I weighed in at 354.6….  :(  Not surprising since I did spend about 2 weeks off the wagon in a candy & junk food haze.

The good news?  I lost 7 3/4″ inches in October!!!  The Evil Trainer is VERY pleased – and frankly so am I!  It’s a nice reminder that the scale isn’t the only measurement of success…  ♥

I’ve been feeling much better too.  The insomnia problem seems to have resolved itself.  I really think it was all the candy that was messing me up.  So the trainer was able to really work me hard today – and tomorrow morning I get to be tortured in Pilates by his fiancee.  I’m wondering if adding the Pilates in weekly isn’t helping give me that big boost in inches lost – didn’t want to say that to the Evil Trainer because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.  :)  I think the combo of his workouts with the Pilates could be just what the doctor ordered.

 

4th day of win…

Yeah – a big 4 days in a row of being on track!  And as an added bonus, I actually was able to sleep last night!  So I’m feeling completely human again…

I strongly suspect it was the amount of chocolate (in the form of halloween candy) I had been eating which was messing up my sleep – and I’m sure it wasn’t helping with the way I was feeling either…

I felt HORRIBLE yesterday – like someone had beat me with a whiffle ball bat.  Needless to say I did NOT want to go see the Evil Trainer – but I went.  I only did about 10min of cardio.  BUT he kicked my butt hard (technically he kicked my upper body) – and he said he was pleased with the workout he got out of me.  I’m sure that workout helped me sleep, so I guess the gym is good after all  ;)

 

big girl pants…

Okay – I put on my big girl pants and approved those comments I was bitching about a few days back.  Having them in my queue to moderate meant I was reminded of them every time I did anything on my blog – and that was more annoying that just approving them and letting them go.  If you are curious, you can find them here and here.

As for me – I have put them in a bubble and let them go.

Had a good day today – definitely on plan for eating, only the lightest of dips into Halloween candy – and thankfully that candy is now completely gone!  I’m on track (yeah after TWO WHOLE DAYS) for my goal of average daily calories.  I see the Evil Trainer tomorrow – and I’ll do my cardio before I see him.  My knee is feeling pretty good, so I’ll give the elliptical another shot and see if the knee can take that.

I didn’t weigh myself this morning – not because I was late, but because I made a decision to wait until Friday.  And really who needs to start a MONDAY on a scale??  Not this terminal-case-of-the-mondays girl!  ;)

I’m also wondering if the insomnia I’ve been fighting for the past week and a half or so won’t clear up once the consumption of candy stops.  Thinking about it, I believe it did coincide with the start of my fall off the wagon….  Fingers are crossed – because I’m really feeling crappy from lack of sleep.

 

new month, commitment renewal…

Okay – I believe I’m finally back on the wagon!  Although I did have some candy today, I kept the amount low, and overall my calories are good for the day (even had some veggies!  ;)

Now that halloween and the party is over, and all the “bad” food is gone (perhaps not disposed of in the best manner), it’s time to renew my commitment to myself and to losing weight!

I actually forgot to weigh myself Friday – got up late, and had to get the dog fed and get dressed before the electricians showed up… So I was going to weigh myself Saturday – again, got up late and had to get my butt to Pilates.  So TODAY I was going to weigh – AGAIN, up late and get to get online and work (had some big production changes to get in place).  Of course part of the issue is that I put the scale away for the party, and haven’t gotten it back out…  I *may* weigh myself tomorrow morning – but I may wait until Friday for my monthly weigh/measure – I guess it depends on whether or not I oversleep ;)

Here are my goals for the month of November:

1. 10 pound weight loss (that’s right, going for double digits!)
2. Exercise 900 minutes – that’s an average of 30 min each day
3. Average 2000/cal daily
4. Cardio 3x/week – 20 min each
5. Paint the main floor ceiling & hallway
6. Unpack the 2 big boxes in the laundry room
7. Swim 2x – at least 30 min each time

On the plus side of the past few days, I did get a couple items checked off my 101 in 1001….  :D

 

sorry for being awol…

I’d like to say I got back up on the wagon, but that would be a ginormous LIE.  :)  I don’t even want to discuss the details, but suffice it to say the past few days have NOT been pretty at all.  Although to my credit, there was NO pizza, NO fast food, and NO diet soda… So I got that going for me…

I have been debating all week whether or not to weigh in Friday, and I’ve finally decided it’s better to know how much damage I’ve caused myself…  *sigh*  However, tomorrow isn’t the measurement day with the Evil Trainer – that is actually the FIRST Friday of the month, so mine will be a week from tomorrow…that’s also the day I had the goal of reaching 350…  Wish me luck!

I’m also a bit annoyed, and I’ve decided to get it off my chest rather than stew about it, so here goes.

Someone made some comments about my last posting – you can’t read them because I haven’t approved them.  And I haven’t approved them because they PISS ME OFF!!!

Basically this person lectured me on the choices I made for my party and the subsequent snacking….lectured me like my mother used to.  And OF COURSE this person has the answer for all my dieting woes… Apparently I have to give up all milk, eggs, meat, and replace it all with tofu and roasted veggies…  Frankly I’d rather be fat.  And I’m sorry, but anyone who thinks vegan=thin is delusional – I know fat vegans…

You know I’m sure this person meant well, but I don’t know how ANYONE who has truly battled any kind of weight problem could ever think that that kind of sanctimonious bullshit helps!  IT DOESN’T!  What it does do is piss people off, and if you are an emotional eater (Hi, I’m Pam, I’m an emotional eater) it makes you EAT, or at the very least it makes you want to eat.

Frankly don’t know if I will ever approve this person’s comments… They certainly weren’t helpful to me, and I wouldn’t want to spread that kind of crap to the people who are on the same journey, fighting the same demons…

Sorry this post is so negative…  I’ll be better tomorrow… I see the Evil Trainer for 1.5 hours, so I”ll be too tired to be bitchy  ;)

 

so bloated and gross…

Worked from home today which means I was around the leftovers from the party which means I’ve been stuffing my face all damn day.  And good lord do I feel bloated and gross from it…

Clearly I can’t have sweets in the house or I’ll spend the day grazing.  I wouldn’t say I binged, but I sure as hell ate more than I needed and all of it was crap.

Never going to make my November 1 goal of 350 like this!  So it stops NOW.  I’m going to throw out the candy and the chips and the cheese.  I can’t have it in the house.

Tomorrow I’ll pack my breakfast and lunch and will just get myself back on track… It’s all I can do – can’t change what I’ve done today….

I see the Evil Trainer tomorrow, and I’ll do 30 minutes of cardio too.  I *should* go to the gym tonight – but I honestly think I’d throw up at this point if I exercise – that’s how full I feel.  Hard to imagine that I used to feel like this ALL THE TIME…

I’m going to add one more goal for this week:

• No Sweets or Junk Food

Here’s to a successful Tuesday!