interesting week…

First of all – 112 days to WLS.  Time is going fast!!

But the big news has nothing to do with the surgery.  After years of trying to figure out who she is, I have finally found my birth mother (yeah, I’m adopted).

A few years back, I found out who my birth father was, and 23andme.com confirmed that I had identified the right person.  I “met” some cousins on that side of the tree who were so very kind and sent me all kinds of pics of him (I definitely look like him).  But my birth mother remained elusive.  She had used one last name at the home where I was born (Graves), and another on my birth certificate (Graham).  Last week someone on 23andme contacted me because we were projected to be 1st cousins – and after some information comparison, I can confirm with confidence that she used her real name in the home where I was born – and not on the birth certificate as I had been assuming!

She is still alive and living in Utah.  I’m not sure I want to contact her however.  For now, just knowing who she is is enough to satisfy my curiosity.  I honestly had enough issues with my Mom that I know it’s not a can of worms I want to open.

The cousin from 23andme talked his mother, and she’s going to try and find some pics of my birth mom and her siblings (total of 8!  6 boys and 2 girls), so I’m looking forward to seeing those.

I do have to admit that all this news did lead to some stress eating for me, and my stomach is currently paying the price.  No use dwelling on my slip-up, just need to get back on track.

♥

 

ch-ch-changes…

Well, I’m back.  It’s been a while.  And I have to report that I’ve gained weight, and I’m at my highest EVER.

The big news:  I made a decision back in February to have Gastric Sleeve surgery -it’s scheduled for August.  Why surgery?  Well, my knees have gotten so bad that I’m in pain all the damn time – I feel like I’m killing my liver with Ibuprofen.  And I’m genuinely afraid of being unable to walk in the future.   My hope is still to weigh around 225, I just have more to lose to get there now.  But I’m hopeful that I’m making the right decision for me.

In the months before the surgery, I’m working to change how I eat to (hopefully) make things easier for me post-surgery.  I’ve started with giving up sweets and diet soda.  And I’m not sure which one is harder for me!  It’s been less than a week for the sweets, and my cravings have been CRAZY, and my period isn’t helping (c’mon menopause, just end it already!!!).  I’m doing better with giving up diet soda – but I really miss the brown, bubbly water.  In mid-April the plan is to eliminate Fast Food from my diet.  That’s going to be tough.  But it’s what I gotta do to get to where I want to be!

I also need to start moving more.  I have a damn elliptical in my house which I never use.  I live just a couple blocks from my town’s rec center – and I never go there.  So I need to get back on the elliptical and also start water walking.  I don’t want to wait to start building new habits until after surgery – I want to have them firmly established by the time I check in for surgery.

My closest friends all know about the surgery – and they are all very supportive.  It’s was weird how hard it was for me to tell them.  Still haven’t told my sister – but we aren’t very close so I’ll probably just let her know a week or so before.  I see my regular Doctor and my Endocrinologist in April, so I’ll tell them then.  I told my boss when I requested the time off.  I asked him to not tell anyone else – so far he’s kept his mouth shut, but I don’t have much faith that he can keep that up.

I also need to take care of getting things in order before surgery – decisions have to be made, and things put into place just in case things go wrong.  That’s the hardest thing for me now to make those decisions.  Thank GOD my BFF is a lawyer who used to work for a lawyer who did all the estate planning stuff, so he’s leading me through what I should have in place.

Adulting Sucks!!  ;)

♥

 

diets…

“Diets are based on the unspoken fear that you are a madwoman, a food terrorist, a lunatic…The promise of a diet is not only that you will have a different body; it is that in having a different body, you will have a different life. If you hate yourself enough, you will love yourself. If you torture yourself enough, you will become a peaceful, relaxed human being.”

– Geneen Roth, When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy

 

worked my butt off…

in Water Aerobics last night, and the upper body is feeling it today…  Sadly the knee is also feeling it – which is sad because I had almost a full day of little to no pain!  (It was wonderful!)  Next Wednesday is the last Water Aerobics session and I don’t think I’m going to sign up again for it.  I think for now I’ll stick with the water walking, I just need to focus on being gentle with my knees.  Besides one of the women in the class is SO ANNOYING…  And she never stops talking…  So I need to plan my pool sessions for when she’s NOT there.

Word in the pool is that the entire rec center is going to be closed the week of May 25.  If true, that throws a monkey wrench in my 30-day plan.  I guess it usually closes one week a year to take care of all the maintenance stuff that needs to be done – but it’s usually at the end of summer.  I’ll ask when I stop in for some pool time tonight or tomorrow.

As far as the no candy/no diet pop goals are concerned, I’m all good.  This is day 5, and other than that bumpy patch on day 3, the cravings aren’t so strong.  I still need to take the big man for a walk, but I’m thinking we will do that Saturday morning before meeting a friend for brunch.

In other news, as excited as I am about having a house cleaning service, at the moment I’m MORE stressed about money.  So I’m going to have to postpone using the service.  I just need to take care of some bills before I start spending my money on that.  God being an adult and responsible about my money SUCKS!!!!!!  But in the meantime I’ll continue with my unfucking.  This weekend the goal is my bedroom, and the unfucking includes dusting and vacuuming.  It’s just one room, and I know I can do it!

 

sweet mother of god…

I want some candy and a diet pop SOOOOO BADLY!  Pop was all I could think about driving to work today – I forgot how hard it is for me to kick the habit!  And I had some spicy chili at lunch – and after spicy food I always want something sweet.  Sadly I don’t have any dried figs left at work, so I have no non-candy options – because if I walk to the cafeteria, then I will end up buying a bag of candy.  Looks like I’m just going to have to white knuckle it until the craving passes.

I saw the Physical Therapist yesterday (thankfully she didn’t weigh me!!), and she’s given me 3 exercises to do, and I am scheduled to see her again on the 29th.  I did like her and she seemed to understand my limitations because of the knees, and although she’s not sure PT will “cure” me, she thinks it can help me get to a better place where I have easier mobility.  I’ve got weak hips (how could something so large be weak???), and not enough flexibility in my ankles – so that’s causing more knee issues.

She wants me to do the water walking at least once a week – but 2 or 3 times would be better.  And I’m not allowed to do any jumping in the water aerobics class.   So we will see how that works at class tomorrow night.  She also wants me to see an Orthopedic Surgeon, and she did give me the name of one, but he doesn’t take my shitty insurance (Kaiser), so I did some hunting and found one that I think I will try out.

So my plan is to do water aerobics tomorrow night, and water walking Thursday night and I’m also going to aim for a Saturday morning water walking session.  For now I’ll do 30-minutes, I can gradually work up to more time as the knee feels better.  I did ask her if swimming would be okay – but for now, it’s out…  Of course as soon as I hear that I shouldn’t do it, it’s all I want to do.  :D

 

made it through the weekend…

No diet soda, but I did have a four pieces of candy when I was at the salon getting my hair colored & cut yesterday.  So I re-started my 30-day clock – now it runs May 11 – June 11.  Not beating myself up over it, it is what it is, and I am just going to keep moving forward.

I’ve also been thinking about stepping on the scale – although I’m pretty sure I know about what I weigh, and I don’t know why the actual number matters.  I suspect however that the physical therapist is going to put me on a scale tomorrow when I see her.  I just wish the damn number didn’t always seem so important!

Winter made what I hope is it’s last showing here today, it’s been snowy and cold all day – so I spent the day just relaxing and binge watching Law & Order SVU, and made a pot of chili.  Other than that, I did NOTHING!  Didn’t even get out of my jammies.  It’s been GLORIOUS.   Too bad I have to go to work tomorrow.  :(

Made zero progress on the unfucking this weekend – just didn’t feel up to it.  The plan is to clean off the dining room table and take some trash out tomorrow when I get home from work, OH and to do the dishes in the sink tonight.

So that’s me today.

 

let’s start with a small goal…

or two, or three, or four…

I always tend to aim WAY too high on my goals – I’ll want to accomplish 10 things and then get so friggin’ overwhelmed that NOTHING gets accomplished.  This can be related to weight loss, stuff around the house, crafts, pretty much everything – except work for some reason.

But I’m an inveterate list maker.  Lists make me both happy and stressed, but generally more happy than stressed.  Every time I decide re-start my weight loss/get healthier plan, I start with a list of things to accomplish in a month.  So a couple days ago I started my list.  And it just kept growing.  So I decide to break it into multiple months.  Still too much.  So today I decided to scrap that list altogether and (hopefully) never revisit it.

But I feel like I need goals.  So I have decided on the following four for the next 30-days (May 9 – Jun 9).

1.  NO CANDY (this will be hard!)

2.  NO Diet Soda (this will be not so hard)

3.  Walk Dutch 1x a week (have to overcome my laziness and using knee pain as an excuse)

4.  Pool exercise 1x a week (ditto)

This starts tomorrow mainly because of this:

The candy fruit slices always seem like a better idea than they actually are.  And in my defense I did have an actual lunch before I delved into the bag of candy.

The shrink also wants me to work on actually feeling my feelings (don’t laugh – it’s hard!) rather than trying to push them off, or fight them.  Let’s just say I don’t like feeling my feelings.

In other news, I have until June 19 to get my house unfucked.  Why June 19?  Well because on June 20 I have a cleaning service scheduled to start!!!  The first clean is a deep clean, and I cannot wait!!!!  What does unfucking mean?  Well – I need to do a TON of de-cluttering basically.  So I’m trying to follow the advice from Unfuck Your Habitat – it’s awesome.  So expect updates on that progress for the next few weeks – and if I’m feeling brave, maybe some before and after pics as well.

 

the fat girl is back…

It’s been a rough few years…  At the end of April 2011, my dad died – and sometimes I think I’m still pulling myself back up after that.  Then the beginning of April 2013 my sweet Angus died.  I now officially HATE April!  My Mom also moved to what I call assisted living, but in reality it’s more of a nursing home.  But she’s doing really well there – although she hates April as much as I do…

I’ve also been seeing a therapist – for almost 2 years now I believe – it started out that I wanted to get approved for WLS, and it’s turned into I really want to fix my food issues.  Some progress has been made – it’s been just over 1 year since my last purge (YAY!), my binges are less frequent and less “bad” as well.  I’m still struggling with mindless eating and overeating – but I’m working on it!  I see her one day a week and as much as I hate it sometimes (like last week), in the end I do feel better after seeing her.

I think my weight has stayed pretty much where it was the last time I wrote – in other words more than I want to be carrying around daily.  And I can honestly say that it is effecting my quality of life – which is why I’m still pondering WLS.  But the shrink has to give the okay for that to happen.  So it’s something I try to not obsess over.

I still see the Evil Trainer – though not as often as I should – and he’s still hopeful that I can lose the weight and keep it off!  Bless his twisted little heart.  My big hang-up is knee pain – it has started to affect every aspect of my life.  So I’m doing a once weekly (for now) water aerobics class to see if that helps, and next week I’m seeing a PT to see if she can help as well.  If I had less pain, I think I’d be more active.

I’m working at a different job than I was last time I blogged – it’s not a dream job by any means, but I’ve decided it would be good for me to hang in rather than cut and run.  It gives me the freedom to see the shrink, not to mention it’s not too far from her office – so I’m staying for now.

After Angus died, it was just too lonely going home to an empty house – so I found a new boy to love.  He’s a (now) 9-year old, 180-lb, English Mastiff named Dutch.  And he’s just the biggest, sweetest goober!  He came from a giant breed rescue – Big Dogs Hugs Paws – and I couldn’t love him more.  He’s been with me almost a year now.

So that’s me today…

 

put on my big girl pants…

I have an appointment this Thursday to meet the doctor who I’ll be getting the colonscopy from – I’m hoping she will tell me I have some alternative other than the damn IV (yeah, still freaked out about that!).  But since I don’t have any family medical history because I’m adopted, I try to do the thing I need to do when I’m supposed to do them – EVEN IF IVs ARE INVOLVED…

Besides I’ve got a brand new thing to stress about for the next week.  Took my big beautiful boxer boy Angus to the vet today for his yearly checkup, and to have the vet look at a growth he has on one of his back toes.  Well, she thinks it’s a big melanoma and so on Monday he’s having surgery to have it removed, and to have his gums lasered back from his teeth.  Yeah, you heard me right, his gums grow over his teeth – it’s called Gingival Hyperplasia, and boxers are prone to it – this will be his second time getting lasered.  The surgeries will mean 10 days of baby food (for his dental work) for Angus and 2 weeks of him not being able to go to daycare (while his foot heals) – and no daycare makes one unhappy doggie.  :(

But on a happier note, my new top bar beehive is en route!  Have I mentioned I’m going to try beekeeping??  I’m very excited to get it placed and get my back garden all ready for bees!!!

 

 

 

new crazy…

♥ Had my yearly physical today, and of course there was much discussion of my A1C number.  Long story short, exercise, eat better, no “white” foods, and 2x daily blood glucose testing.  All pretty much as I had expected.  The doctor did NOT agree with my insistence that fake sugar (ALL fake sugars) are worse for a person than real sugar.  (I’m sorry that crap cannot be good for a person).

So what is it that has the voices spun up and freaked out you may well ask…

Well, I turned 5o in March, and since it’s not bad enough being 50, I now get to schedule myself for a colonoscopy.  Okay, also knew that was coming.  BUT what I didn’t know, and what has me totally freaked is that there is an IV involved!  OMFG – the worst nightmare of all for me is a friggin’ IV!!!!!  I do not have any idea of how I’m going to get my voices to settle the hell down about that.  Just thinking about it makes me lightheaded.

Clearly 50 is going to be a sucky year filled with an assortment of needles.  boo…

 

a1c…

♥ The Endo did an A1C test on me last week because my Blood Glucose was a little high on my previous blood work (101)…  and as I feared, the news was not good.  I expected that I’d be “slightly” pre-diabetic, but with an A1C of 6.2 I’m at the high end and too damn close to diabetic.  So it’s REALLY time to make the changes I keep yammering about.

I have my yearly physical with my PCP tomorrow, so I expect the main topic of discussion to be how to stop me from developing diabetes…

blarg

But at least I know, and I can do something about it before it gets worse.

The Endo says that “weight loss through improved diet and exercise is critical to prevent the development of diabetes”…  And he has promised to nag me about it too (I told him that was fair).   I’m just still in freaked out mode – I keep thinking of my Dad’s cousin who on one of her feet lost all of her toes and part of her foot because of her diabetes (not to mention the insulin injections).  That is NOT a road I want to be anywhere NEAR!

 

ow ow ow ow ow….

♥ Good Lord the Evil Trainer was EXTRA Evil today!  My ass hurts, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my shoulders hurt…  I am just a giant mass of hurt!  He’s going old skool on my ass – part of today’s torture involved a giant tractor tire and a sledge hammer… But if helps me reach my goal, then it’s what I gotta do.  All I can say is tomorrow morning’s water aerobics is gonna be very hurty.

I am NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow – these past two days have been soooo enjoyable.  But since I have yet to win powerball, I guess I have to go back.

I’d also like to say I’ve reached the following “Milestones”:

1. 1 week since my last pop (diet or otherwise)
2. 1 week since my last vending machine snack
3. 2.2 weeks since my last pizza
4. 58 days since my last fast food!!!!  :D

 

birthday thoughts…

♥ Well hello 50…

I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking.  I don’t know if I mentioned this in past posts, but I’m adopted.  I was adopted when I was a baby, and in the past year I’ve thought more and more about finding out about my birth parents.  I have the information that Catholic Charities provided my parents, but after reading The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, I have to wonder if the information is true (college students who just weren’t ready to have a family).  In the state I live in, if your adoption was finalized between July 1, 1951 and June 30, 1967, all you have to do is fill out a form, and send it along with $37.75 and “A certified copy of the original Colorado birth certificate, if located, will be issued along with copies of the contents of the sealed file.”  So I filled out the form 2 weeks ago, and just finally dropped it in the mail yesterday.  Now begins the wait.

Deep in my heart I’m hoping the contents of the file will contain a letter or something from one of my birth parents, however in reality, I really don’t believe it will.

It’s not like I want to find them to confront them about why they gave me up, although I would love to hear the story from them; what I really want is to see what they look like.  I just really would like to see someone that I look like!  Medical history would be nice as well.

I don’t know if I would have the guts to contact them once I have their info, and the sad reason why is I don’t want yet another set of parents disappointed in my because of my weight.  It’s bad enough that I dealt with that my whole life with Mom & Dad.  Of course it’s also an indication of how messed up I am in my head about the weight.  I KNOW it doesn’t make me a bad person, or less than deserving of love, but when you hear that your whole life from everyone, it’s hard not to take it in and make it true.  :(

So at any rate, I should have the file in the next thirty days, and I’ll decide then what my next steps will be.  Catholic Charities has search and reunification programs – it costs $725.  I have a friend who went through this process back in the state she was adopted in, they found her birth mother, and her birth mother declined to see her, and would only provide medical history.  She hasn’t made contact yet with her birth father, and I’m not sure that she is still trying.  And that has to hurt.  I’m not sure I could deal with that hurt.  Although I don’t feel being adopted means I was rejected, if I were to find them and they were to refuse to see me, that WOULD feel like rejection, and that would hurt…

Ah – nothing like obsessing over things that may never happen…

 

definitely feeling better…

♥ I’m thinking it’s the combination of the non-generic Thyroid Meds and working out.  Because I’m feeling closer to normal than I have in years!  And that makes me very very happy.

It also makes me very very happy that I have the next two days off!!!  Today I had a lovely pre-birthday day with my BGBF – we had a nice meal out and yakked and knitted.  Nice and relaxing.  And apparently exhausting for my boy Angus – he’s dead asleep and snoring up a storm!  I am dreading having to be at water aerobics at 6am with the hated spring time change…  I woke up this morning at what I thought was 9 or maybe 10am, but lo and behold – it was 11!  I already want my hour back…  *grumble*

Tomorrow for my birthday I get to have lunch with a good friend, and then I go see my mom for a bit, and then I get to relax.  And Tuesday the only plans I have are to see the Evil Trainer.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on my age, but honest to God, 50 is really freaking me out!  It’s not like I look (or act) my age, I just can’t believe how fast 50 snuck up on me.  So I need to keep myself busy so I don’t fall into my habit of eating when I’m bothered about stuff.  Oh and I am also going to call the therapist I’ve been playing phone tag with to see if I can get an appointment scheduled.

 

tgif…

♥ It’s been a long friggin’ week at work, and I’m REALLY looking forward to having the next four days off…

I’ve already fallen off the Lent wagon – mainly because I forgot that I was not going to eat meat on Fridays, and I had roast beef today.   BUT I am sticking to my vow of no pop/vending machine snacks, so I got that going for me  ;)

I’ve got Pilates tomorrow morning, and then perhaps if I’m in the mood, I may go to the pool for some water walking.  If it’s nice outside, I’m thinking the pool will be pretty empty.  AND I have to get my butt to 24-hour Fitness to cancel my membership – I keep forgetting to do that…  I’m also retaining water like the friggin’ Hoover Dam!  My weight has gone up almost 4 pounds in the last 2 days, and my ankles are just finally starting to feel normal.  Just goes to show me the amount of salt in frozen dinners is hell on my system – no matter how much water I drink.

I also discovered today that Kashi granola bars are dangerous for me to have around – they are sooo good that I just stuff my face with them, so they are now banned from my house!  On the plus side, I believe I hit my daily requirement of fiber for today.  Actually according to my Diet Power software, I ate 192% of my daily recommended fiber.

And this may sound crazy, but I think that after just a couple days on the non-Generic Thyroid meds that I can feel the difference.  I’m sure I’m imagining it – or just really wanting it to be true.